


Contemplation

by royalstcve



Series: Bucky's recovering process [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Has Issues, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Bucky Barnes-centric, Gen, Internal Monologue, POV Bucky Barnes, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-16
Updated: 2020-10-16
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:53:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27051469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/royalstcve/pseuds/royalstcve
Summary: He definitely did not want company right now, even though 'a friend' was a thing he could have right now.It was Bucky's first day after the whole trial about his days as The 'feared' Winter Soldier from Hydra
Series: Bucky's recovering process [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1974340
Kudos: 7





	Contemplation

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't included an archive warning, maybe for following parts of this series it will be needed but I'm not sure yet. There is some talk about Bucky's arm but not graphic.
> 
> I hope you enjoy it, feel free to reply with plot points/prompts you would like to see in this series! I'm a bit of a slow writer but I'm excited about this one!

He was sitting in the corner of the landing pad of Stark Tower. He had a blanket wrapped around himself, otherwise his 'friend' Steve would worry until the whole team would come after him and tell him to take care of himself better. He definitely did not want company right now, even though 'a friend' was a thing he could have right now.

It was Bucky's first day after the whole trial about his days as The 'feared' Winter Soldier from Hydra. It had been exhausting, the whole trial had taken a year because he had not pleaded guilty. He had done several exams about his mental state, awareness during the seven decades in the hands of Hydra, how much he could tell about Hydra's goals and vision, who participated in all the exams done on him, who were his handlers throughout the years and so much more information. After every hearing or exam he had holed up in his bedroom and Sam, was the only one allowed to bring him food to eat. Those hearings usually took a week to recover from and he did not feel like being pitied. Steve just looked extremely sad and almost guilty, which he didn't want to deal with and Natasha reminded him too much of his days in the Red Room. Exceptions were the hearings about the murders he committed and The Chair. Those took longer to recover from and he only wanted Steve in those moments, to remind him he was still human and wasn't a mindless serial-killer.

Turns out it was somewhat worth it in the end. The jury judged James Buchanan Barnes as not guilty. He knew he was that person, James Buchanan Barnes, but it didn't feel like that was him, not anymore. All the stories that were connected to that name were from decades ago and someone innocent and careless, that person's worry was finding jobs to have something of an income to get by. Bucky could argue that was nothing to worry about looking back on it. Worrying about your body being robbed of free will and being forced to do something you really don't want to, that's something to worry about. He would have to worry until the day he died that Hydra would want him back. Bucky knew Hydra wasn't gone and they never would be, doesn't matter how many bases Steve will destroy for him. Cut off one head, two will grow back. That was ingrained into Bucky's mind, probably would be forever.

The court order contained three rules the judge did want James Barnes to follow, which were:  
1\. Remove all ways to possibly trigger The Winter Soldier  
2\. Which should be followed by intensive therapy in a trauma centre, until judged as not a danger to others and himself  
3\. And before James Barnes would go on to missions with the team he had to be checked and judged by Nick Fury, Maria Hill and Sharon Carter.

His advocate had argued that the intensive therapy could be more effective while living with people he knew and he would be less of a danger while living with enhanced individuals instead of normal civilians in the trauma centre. The judge had accepted that and here he was, he had had his first day as 'normal' civilian from the USA, living in Stark Tower, he had some introductory therapy appointments.

He didn't want to fight. Not any time soon at least. He first had to find how to get through all the therapy sessions. It felt like someone had sucked all energy from him. If it weren't for the violent wind up so high he would have fallen asleep in his soft brown blanket from plain exhaustion. Talking about feelings and vulnerabilities was hard, especially when he expected it to be met with violence. Hydra made him pretty emotionally stunted, that's what his therapist said to him, but in a nice way. So they would be working on that, and many more things.

So that's why he was on the landing pad, he needed some alone time. He tapped a steadying rhythm on the ground with his metal arm, to calm down. Stark had offered to build him a new one. Stark hadn't told him exactly, he had told Steve and Bucky overheard them talking. This arm is heavy but functions well and Bucky did not want to think about surgery anytime soon either, he had some distant repressed traumatic memories from when Hydra worked on his arm. Removing part of his severed arm due to the fall, attaching the version one, than later another one and now the one he had. He had had three versions, which he got to learn about himself during the hearings. The chair had wiped those memories as well but due to the hearing those were back. And so far he did not appreciate that, it was painful.

A bird landed at the landing pad, close to Bucky's feet. It looked up and cocked his head to the side, as if to ask what he was doing up so high.

Bucky cocked his head to the side to imitate the pigeon. He always had this lingering fear in his mind when he showed even the minimal form of emotions, like curiosity now. His therapist this afternoon had said he should try little steps and well, talking to animals or having eye contact with animals was way less scary than the intimidating figures he was living with right now. They all could overpower him. All his knives and guns or any other form was taken away, for his and their own safety, of course. Steve had seemed angry that they needed new safety protocols with 'the winter soldier' moving in. Bucky had understood however, and some other of the team seemed relieved. As long as the triggers weren't removed he could still be turned into a mindless killer with a few words, so yeah, Bucky understood. Although it made him anxious, hand-to-hand combat was difficult without any weapons close by and such well-trained people around.

Doctor Banner and Stark hadn't found a way to make Stark's invention more effective. This pair of glasses, Stark had called it BARF, is the only thing they had come up with.  
Barf is apparently a side effect of using it as well as the bad name for some very expensive therapy, if he could believe the test runs Stark and Banner had done. Besides those, they were making loads of conference calls with a princess from a country somewhere in Africa? Bucky wasn't following those conversations as much as he maybe should but well, could you really blame him?

Apparently Stark had forgiven him pretty quickly after attending the trials and looking at the files from Hydra. Stark had already plans to install some sort of heaters since the colder months were coming and to prevent him freezing off his toes. Bucky appreciated that more than the invention of expensive therapy sessions.

He liked hearing the sounds of the traffic, the ticking of the stoplights, people yelling incomprehensible things at others. Just the rush of life beneath him and imagining being part of it. It seemed unfathomable in the place he was in right now, he would be in danger and therefore a danger to others. Maybe later, in several years, he could stroll through the streets below him with some of the other Avengers. Could they maybe go out? Was that a thing this group of people did? The Avengers had been formed 3,5 years ago. He would ask someone about it later.

Bucky did not really want to go inside but sleeping on the landing pad hadn't been appreciated the last time by any of the Avengers the last time that had happened. They had all looked with some sort of pity at him, while he had had a blanket and he had slept pretty well even. It might've been a bit cold but having been stored in Siberia for several years he wasn't bothered by it, not really. However, he didn't like the pitying looks he got so he got up and shuffled inside, stepped into the waiting elevator and went to his own floor. He washed his face, brushed his teeth, went to the bathroom and put on a sleeping shirt and got into bed. He slept facing the door, with his left hand on the knife under his pillow. Bucky fell asleep in several minutes from exhaustion. Tomorrow would be another day of freedom for him.


End file.
